Melissa should have stayed home tonight. Instead, she ventured over to the north side of town for the Torchlight Parade. If you aren’t familiar with this parade, it is part of Octoberfest and it starts when it’s dark. Basically, it’s an epileptic’s worst nightmare. And a senioritis sufferer’s excuse not to do homework. (Like an excuse is needed, though…)
Do you ever notice that when people gather in extremely large crowds, the stupid ones always stand out? I have over 140 college credits and six years of college under my belt. Trust me. I can pick out stupid people. Add alcohol to the idiots and you have a disaster waiting to happen. Something to look forward to reading in tomorrow’s Tribune, I guess.
So, in an attempt to meet up with some friends, I ended up driving through the herds of cooler-toting families, texting teenagers, and the elderly. Oh yes, the elderly. My favorite was the soccer mom in the mini-van that stopped for an imaginary stop sign and held up traffic.
I finally found a parking spot about 7 or 8 blocks from where I was meeting my friends. Ever try walking through crowds of kids, adults, adults with beer in their hands, adults with dogs, and vendors selling glow sticks? One block in and my polite “excuse me” turned into a borderline-barking “MOVE IT!”
People just stand in their huddles, looking around at all the glowing things as if they are in la-la land. I could have just moved to the street and walked the parade route, but really? I wasn’t in the mood to be out parading in front of the city of La Crosse. Mostly because I wasn’t entirely sure I could keep my mouth shut and not verbally bash the morons who obviously got better parking than me.
By the sixth block I realized that either big crowds are not my thing, or I need to double the meds. Again.
When I finally met up with my peeps, I felt more relaxed and was ready for another great Torchlight parade. Unfortunately, some people just don’t know proper parade etiquette. So, for all of you who were born yesterday, or just happen to act like it, here’s a Top Ten List just for you.
Top Ten Ways to Piss off the People at a Parade:
10. Ask this lady about my camera’s flash!!!
9. (Refer to # 10) Ask me if I care.
8. Let your kid bop everyone with their brand new inflatable shark and not say anything. Heaven forbid we discipline our kids in public.
7. (Refer to #9) When another mom tells your brat to stop hitting her infant with the inflatable shark, give her the “how dare you yell at my child” look.
6. Don’t stand when the flags go by.
5. Three words: Brats and Kraut
4. Shoot off loud obnoxious fireworks that only make noise and have no aesthetic value whatsoever.
3. Three More Words: Christmas in September!
2. Walk in groups in front of the crowd and block their view of the parade.
And the number one way to piss off people at a parade…
1. (Refer to #2) While walking in front of the crowd as the parade is going on, get hit by a float and halt the parade, making everyone down the route think it’s over.